Solitude

So often I am alone

That my time is spent

Feeling through different parts of my body

The 4th rib on my right side

The slight scrape of stubble on my calf

My left earlobe bent against my skull.

I close my eyes 

And allow the discomfort to settle in 

Allow it to penetrate beneath the surface of my thoughts

Below the initial feeling of wanting to adjust

Deep into the actual body of my being

What’s there is unimpressive yet

Magnificently immense 

And I often wonder

If most people ever reach it

Because most people can’t handle being alone

Can’t handle silence 

Can’t sit in stillness and discomfort

I know this because 

I still am most people

Some of the time

And really,

I am a product of my environment 

I just refuse

To clutter the opportunity 

With distraction. 

Imbalance

What if

Instead of trying to fix me

Instead of trying to runaway

I accepted what is 

Accepted what I am 

Accepted the two halves

Of darkness and light

Even knowing that 

They’ll never be 

Balanced

Rational

I’m done trying

To rationalize

And I’m done with

Making sense of the nonsensical

Because

I’m tired of being

The one everyone relies on

The one who actually thinks

The one who knows the answer

(Even if I often never share it) 

And all this rationalizing

Only forces me 

To stop feeling

Silence

It is in the small moments of silence

That the conscious and subconscious

Seamlessly merge.

I enjoy harboring the secret

The feeling of fullness

Of being One without another.

It’s a place that is both indescribable

And unimaginable,

Although many have tried to write it. 

It feels like I should be getting 

A pen and paper

Yet when I do,

Nothing comes.

In these moments,

I want nothing

I want no one

I need nothing

I need no one

Yet I am completely whole. 

The beauty of it all is that

These moments happen frequently now

All because I allowed them to

All because I allow

Silence. 

I

I

Don’t know

What

To think

Other than

I’m tired

Of starting

Poems

With the word

I

Eyes

There are a million eyes

From a thousand different angles

Staring at me

Judging me

Telling me I’m wrong.

Fragments of a face

I can’t quite recognize

In the shattered reflective glass.

But if I slow down

And focus for long enough 

I realize that those eyes

Are my own. 

Everyday

If I close my eyes

Without focus, without thought 

The images assault my eyelids

Everyday a new repressed memory

A new piece of the puzzle

To analyze and assess.

It’s exhausting. 

It’s daunting. 

It’s thankless. 

But it fucking works 

And once that piece is complete,

Its edges smoothed and ready,

The feeling of placing it back inside of me

Is indescribable. 

Everyday I become more whole again 

Everyday I take back the pieces of me you stole

Everyday I wake up and I remember

That I never thought I would be alive today

Yet here 

I am. 

Lie

You 

Know

What

You 

Did 

Yet

You

Live 

Your

Lie

As

If

It’s

The

Truth

Scrub

Your blood under my fingernails

Scrub

Scrub 

Scrub

It won’t come out 

So I’ll just contemplate

Cutting my fingers off.

But the time goes by

And the sticky feeling subsides

And I miss it

Because

I miss you 

And you’re locked away,

Healing

So to make it feel real

I’ll force it upon myself.

The blade is dull

And it hurts that much more

But I will keep digging

And digging 

Until that feeling 

Washes over me

And I’m scrubbing my fingernails

All over again 

Remembering 

You

Slippery When Wet

I have always been an escape artist

A slippery eel

Just when I convince you that you have me

I become like liquid

And slip through your fingers 

Gone before you ever realized I began to descend

But I don’t want this anymore

I need to remove myself from the water

So my scales can harden

And someone can hold me loosely in their grip

But be warned

Forcing me never ends well

I am nothing if not cunning

And you can’t trick 

The one who always loses 

A Wish

I might not be dead inside

Anymore

But sometimes 

I wish I still was

Take it

Each death took a piece of my soul

The toll to cross the river into the Underworld

But you took the last one.

I remember the feeling like it was yesterday

I stared at my phone for so long

Emotions bubbled and frothed,

Always beneath the surface.

I pulled up old videos of you,

Just to hear your accented voice.

I looked at pictures of you

Of us, of your kids

Your kids

I grew up so jaded,

I never knew what a parent could be to a child 

You taught me, you taught them

And then you were torn from them. 

From us. 

I felt my soul shut down

Your kids no longer have a mom

I felt it turn cold and hard

Your 2 oldest have no parents at all

I felt it leave me for good

You are gone,

But if it means you get a ticket to heaven

You can take what’s left of my tattered & chewed soul

Take it and fly away 

Spread your love and compassion,

It’s the only way my soul will do any good anyway 

Birthdays

Remember the time

When you were so busy

Flitting and rushing

To plan the most perfect party

For your son’s 12th birthday?

You told me it was because

You were afraid

It would be the last one

You could ever attend.

6 months later

You followed your prediction

To the grave

Deaf

Reminiscing 

About walking down the tire tracks

In the snow

And how the sound

Of nothing 

Can be so deafening 

Never Let Go

I didn’t know. 

I never knew how people could just...cry

How they could feel actual joy 

Or get excited about small things

Things that didn’t have meaning 

To life’s grand plan. 

I would observe them 

Like they were under my microscope

Always studying,

Trying to figure out how I could feel 

How I could also feel joy 

And even cry 

(Although I was loathe to admit it)

My favorite subjects were siblings

How they could fight so much

But when it came down to it

They would do anything to help each other. 

That kind of love 

Was something I never knew of. 

It wasn’t. 

I think I know now. 

I think I see through your eyes

Instead of just observing

You give and give and give

So much of yourself to me  

And I love you so much 

That I want to give you everything in return. 

I know now what I didn’t know then 

I understand it 

I feel it in my core

My entire being

And I promise you that

I will never let you go 

Move

When a person is a home

But the person is gone

Where do you reside? 

I am homeless. 

Explode

The cracks you started 

Shook and bubbled,

Then contracted and shrank.

But they stayed,

Patiently waiting

And today...

Today they caused

An explosion 

Thank you 

11:11

Make a wish

But

I don’t believe in wishes

Because

The results are contradictory

Or

Volatile at best

Corners

It often seems as if life is just

Creeping around corners,

Trying not to get caught.

About pushing each boundary 

To its breaking point,

Watching the pieces crumble and shatter. 

Tip toeing

And your toes start to bleed

From the shards of your life on the floor.

Taking the moments you know 

You’re meant to die,

Yet you’re somehow still alive.

Until you become

Invincible. 

Monsters

There are monsters

Clawing at my insides

Looking to find a foothold

To climb up my throat

And through my lips

They bubble and froth in my belly

They howl and scream in my lungs

They rage 

They rage 

They rage

Until a wisp of one reaches my tear ducts

Then trickles down my face

Into my mouth 

Where my tongue darts out to collect

And I swallow them back 

Down my esophagus

And into my belly

Where they will forever reside 

No one

When you grow up

Relying on yourself

And only yourself

With no one to soften 

The blows 

You turn into 

An adult

With an impenetrable

Shell 

And then you wonder

Why 

No one understands you 

Savage

The days where I wonder if I’ll snap

Are always the same

The same level of monotony 

The feeling like I am a robot

A machine

You plug me in, and I play

The days that I realize that I’m this robot

Are always different 

I push back

I fight 

If there was video of my mind

It would be ravaged with your blood 

Fuck you 

More

I don’t know why I should get out of bed

Anymore

Not even the wind in the trees can entice me

Anymore

The birds dancing with the fallen leaves

Don’t sing to me

Anymore

The sun exposes itself between bouts of rain

Yet still I lay here

Forever more

Moth

A moth danced in the train car today

It flew out from under the seat

Straight to the light 

Where it bounced from light to light

Walked along the grates

Dove down over head

But always back to the light

Where it could never stay 

Never long enough to enjoy 

So frantic, the moth 

It can’t even appreciate

The only thing it wants 

Pebbles

I am the reflection in a pond

Dark

Beautiful

Bleak

Composed

And I will ripple apart 

With the smallest of pebbles

I don’t know what to say

For so many reasons

Because

My words aren’t enough

My words are too much

My thoughts are too complex

My thoughts are too simple

I think too much

But about the wrong things

And I’m suffering 

So that you don’t have to

But I’m so very tired of carrying

The pain that isn’t mine 

My words can’t explain these things

So I stomp all over my feelings 

And try to pour you a glass of it

Maybe someday you’ll have a taste 

A savoring sip

Maybe then you’ll understand

But by then

I’ll be gone

Not

I have been given

All the room to breathe

So why in the fuck 

Am I not breathing?

Towering

Running out of time

To make it up to you 

Running out of space

To move these mountains

Always sprinting

Then pausing to catch air

And wondering if maybe

A consistent pace would go further

But time is running out

And you’ll never know 

Never ever know

That everyday I choke on these words

They drown me in their desperation 

To get through my sewn lips

They catch on my teeth 

So I chew on them 

And swallow them down for another day

Space is dwindling

And these words have become 

A towering mountain 

Of my own construction 

Can’t

I can’t even find the words

That fit these feelings. 

No word seems good enough,

Descriptive enough. 

Why does sadness not have a superlative?

Bees

Getting stung by a bee is cute

Until 10 more show up 

And your face swells

And your breathing stops

And you collapse

Watching the puffy clouds

Begin to darken at the edges

Until it all goes black 

And you’re dead. 

Then 

It’s not so cute. 

Beauty Breaks

There seems to be a societal standard 

For women to run households

And to society 

That means total control 

No emotion out of place

No dust on the mantel 

Perfectly manicured nails

Social media a carefully curated museum 

Meant to display only happy 

Fake comments like, “You have a beautiful family” 

Are the only acceptable response. 

To this I say:  

Fuck that 

I want to see the ugly 

The dirt under your fingernails

The imprint of the lego on the ball of your foot

The greasy hair in a messy bun 

The endless hours of work to pay the bills

And the countless hours spent driving to sports and daycare and schools

And most importantly

The breakdowns in between all of that

There is beauty in the breakdown

There always has been 

Not in curated instagrams

But deep within your madness 

No one is inspired 

By perfection 

Punch Drunk

Moments of suspense

Of holding your breath

And then intaking that gasping

Shudder of air

Its sound reminiscint 

Of a death rattle

Undone

My twine

Is starting 

To fray 

And soon 

It will snap

And I will 

Come undone

Escape Artists

At times

I can feel 

My secrets

Bubbling

Behind my lips

I bite them in half

And swallow them 

Because 

If they escape

Whole

I lose 

Seedling

My thoughts are not my feelings

And my feelings rarely transform into thoughts,

The synapses between those two 

Seem to all be severed and cauterized.

But if a forest seedling can grow out of a rotted stump

Then I see no reason 

That I should fail 

Time

So many changes

In such a small window

You ask me how I feel 

But how am I supposed to know?

I need time

Space

Days

To process it all 

I am the opposite of impulsive

Thoughtful

So much so

That I drown 

Written 7/22/19

Awake

Tick, tick, tick, tick

The rhythmic tocks echo

Off the insides of my skull

1, 2, 3, 4....

Until I reach 60

1 minute

Until I reach 60

1 hour

Until I reach 24

1 day 

Until I read 12,410

34 years

Awake 

Written 7/22/19

Red

Satin red

Swirling

With long strands

Of blonde

Bubbles turn from blue

To vicious red

With long strands

Of brown

Written 7/22/19

Implode

These people won’t shut up. 

Their lips keep moving

Sounds escape 

At least I think they form sounds...

I wonder how they keep coming up

With more words

When they never pause

To think. 

I wonder if they even know

What they’re saying

Or if they just like the feeling

Of the vibration in their throats. 

Sometimes I hold my mouth shut

For so long

That I think my lips 

May have sewn themselves together

And when it comes time for me to speak

I don’t know if I’ll be able to

Don’t know if my mouth will work

Or if my mind

Will come up with the words

That they want to hear

Or if I will simply

Spit out the brutal truth

Leaving scorch marks in its wake. 

Sometimes I never shut the fuck up

Because I’m afraid if I stop

That I’ll have to think

And if I have to think

Then I might

Implode. 

Written 8/12/19 

Distortion

My mind works in images

Often clear and concise

In those moments 

I am rarely wrong.

Sometimes the images get distorted

In those times

I am rarely right. 

Light

I’ve lived in the shadows

For so long

That the light not only blinds

It burns

I’ve stayed alive in the darkness

Thus far

That I’ve forgotten what it feels like

To see

I’ve been down here so long

That I’ve become unrecognizable 

And I don’t know

If I can survive 

The light 

Turning

You picked me up

Flipped me upside down

And shook me 

Until all the pieces I held 

Came flying out, unhinged

We watched it all tumble around 

In strange shapes 

That never really fit together anyway 

Withdraw

The more of you there are 

The less of me I give

The more you talk

The less I speak.

Yet I have life to give

And things I want to say

But I’m unwilling to fight

Against the current

To share any of it.

I am greedy with myself.

I hold onto pieces of me

Like they are the last

Dying embers,

And most of the time I feel

As though that’s exactly what they are.

If I give you this piece of my heart

Will I turn into stone?

Persistance

I try

I fail 

I try once more

I fail again

And then that’s it

I’m done. 

There is a line between

Annoying persistance 

And intelligence

If you fall 7 times

I would like to know

Why you didn’t figure out

How to not trip 

In the first place? 

Lost

I am

Dead

Nothing

Screaming

Scared

Scared

Scared

Confused. 

Bomb

My heart is an explosive

Filled with volatile emotion

And dynamic feeling

My mind is bogged down with obsession

Over things that lack my control

Materials I don’t really need

My solar plexus is like the tide

Shifting and changing with the moon

But never steady or calm

It’s not that I’m dead inside

That’s not why I lack a reaction

It’s because my body 

Has turned itself into

A Bomb. 

Point

At some point

Something has to give

The floor

The walls

The ceiling

The Earth 

Sanity

I’m starting to see why

Sanity is the first to go

I’m also starting to understand

Why people tear shit apart

When they’ve reached their

Breaking point 

Fray

Just hang on...

...a little bit more

...a little harder

...a little stronger

Keep going

Don’t quit yet

There’s too much left...

But how many endless days

Can I repeat these lines

To myself

Before the knot I’ve tied

Begins to fray

Before my hands

Begin to tremble

Before the tide rushing over my face

Never ebbs

How much longer

Does it have to be

This difficult

Before I give up?

Misspoken

I misstep

Misspeak 

Miss you 

I inhale

Intuit

In you 

I exhale

Exchange

Express you 

I am shit

This is shit

Complete shit

Lungs

I gasp

My mouth reaching air

For a moment

Only a moment

Before water rushes in

Filling my cheeks

Gushing down my throat

Bubbling through my lips

Like blood

Like blood

Like blood

Only less...gelatinous

Less taste

More salt

More burn as it infiltrates

And pours into my lungs

Replacing oxygen

With salt

Grief resides

In the lungs

Implosion

When I was around 14

My knees began to crack

Crunch, creak, & groan

Every time I used the stairs

Or bent my leg at all

Crunch

It’s never hurt much

And it began so slowly

That I never stopped to worry

When I was around 14

My world completely shattered

An implosion

With catastrophic results

It hurt so severely 

That there are no words

To describe the pain

Like a million knives

Slicing me from the inside out

Sometimes I can’t help

But wonder

If the two

Are conversely

Related

Dive

Instead of bulldozing

Right through the middle

Sometimes

We need to turn around

And look back 

Within

To dive below the surface

And find the truth

The long path

Even when our minds

Are made of tsunami-sized waves

We must 

Dive deeper 

Casing

I am a shell casing

The one you dropped

Into the dirt

After firing

Forgotten

Still hot to the touch

And I will burn your fingers

If you ever remember me 

Screams

You cannot hear the screams

But that does not mean

That they are not still made of razors

And just because you see no blood

Does not mean that there is no internal bleeding

It means

That inside

We are absolutely 

Shredded. 

Ignite

I built white walls

To prevent

A misfire

But you hammered

The ignition

And my gunpowder

Shot me out

Like the bullet I am

And now

My white walls

Are red

Tsunami

The wind molests my face,

My legs, my hands, my eyes

Just when I thought 

That I stopped allowing the weather

To dictate my mental state

It rapes me

And it feels like a flashback 

Trauma

I want to cry

I want to scream

And rage

And watch everything I know

Blow away 

Into oblivion 

But then I recall

How just a few months ago,

Maybe only two,

That I wished for this exact moment

I wished for a time

When the wind would blow

And not burn my face

Not freeze my sinuses

Not crack my lips

And I wished for the time

When my hands would stop bleeding

And my skin could be exposed,

Even only an inch of it.

And I remember 

How even though I wished

For warmer days,

I did not equate warmer

With better. 

I did not allow Winter

To penetrate my bones

And turn my heart

Into a block of ice. 

Inside of me

Is far stronger

Than any gale force winds.

It takes much more than a

Tsunami

To rip me apart. 

And I will not

Will. Not. 

Allow this molestation

To break me.

I am so much more

Than the weather.

Corpus Callosum

I close my eyes and

Watch the 

Blip,

Blip,

Blip,

Of the clock’s inverted image

Underneath my eyelids.

Time’s imprint so heavy

That it refuses to go away

Even when I slam

My mind shut to it.

I watch the disconfigured clock

Slowly dissipate and then wait

For the conglomorate mess

Of mashed colors,

That I know are hiding somewhere,

If I only wait long enough. 

As they begin to appear,

I wait again

For the black line to fade 

Up, 

Up,

Up,

To separate the colors.

And I know 

I absolutely know

If I only keep trying

To push my thoughts into 

The thin black nothingness

I will eventually reach my

Corpus Callosum

And I will 

Finally

Find

Balance.