Omitted

Can you see it over there, shimmering?
Get a little closer, you’ll see it for what it really is.
It’s just a mirror, a very clean mirror.
The image looking back
is blurred and distorted.
There’s something missing,
a pixel here, a pixel there
Black squares mark pocks in your gorgeous face,
and you’re no longer you.

Another day you’ll have a new chance to clean it all up.
Smooth the lines, the curves, the almond shape that your eyes should be.
down, down, down

You’ll never be as beautiful as you really are.

I can't title another poem Insomnia

The psychosis that ensues
upon the realization that you can’t sleep…
…that you won’t sleep…
These thoughts bring back haunting memories.

Of times when I thought I was crazy.
When I thought I was so wrong,
and there was never a way out.

I no longer look at the clock.
I no longer wonder what may become of me
in the morning.

Time not sleeping
is the most creative time in my life.
The most productive.

Life is ENDLESS
when you don’t sleep.

The world becomes its own song,
play,
that you can change more than the rest,
because you have more time,
and more creativity.

It gives you one up on the rest of the world,
for the time being.

For how many hours I have not slept in life
it’s no wonder I’m the person I have become today.

“You think too much.”
I always believed they thought too little.
Is it possible to think too much?

No.
But it is possible to have more TIME to do such thinking.

Welcome to my home.
It’s not cozy in here.
It’s cold.
And lonely,
and never-fucking-ending.

Days blend seamlessly into night
and nights never end.

Counting down the hours to its death,
and the new life
of tomorrow.

Ambi

How could I be so stupid
Calling and never answering and finding the wrong ways to go about the wrong way
Surrounding myself with thoughts and more thoughts
Teetering…always teetering
Never tipping.
And smiling around the world, like the happiness is just something I want to get rid of
I want you to take it, please take it, it just doesn’t suit my fancy
I'm not fancy.

Yet I’ll always win you over.
I’ll always fucking win you over.
The smile is all I have to do. Maybe add a bit of eye play for you.
Expressive eyes, they say.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?
Bullshit.
My eyes are my eyes, they see what they see, and they move the way they move.
My brain is expressive, it thinks by itself
I can’t even control it, it comes straight from hell.
Dancing and swarming and moving about
Nothing to stop it, not even…
Please. Stop. Me. Now.

Back to expressive eyes, that’s where I was at.
Glasses hide the things I think, at least that’s what I make believe
Heavy lids.
Did you know my left eye wanders?
I look like a fucking retard when it does.
Maybe that’s the expression you’re looking for.
You’re wishing me to be stupid.
Sorry. You lose.
I win.
You can’t keep up with me, never, no I said NEVER.
Try. You lose. Try again, I rub your face in the dirt.
Except I’d never sink that low.
Yes, again, I said never.

I love you.
And you and you and you.
I just like to make you feel like shit about it.
Yes I fucking love you, asshole.
You think I'm nice? Fuck off. I don’t care about you.

Life is about truth. Truths, rather.
About erasing the SHIT, the FOG,
That surrounds ourselves.
Encompasses our every being.
And takes over…smiles like it’s all the same…it IS all the same.
The same lies, day in and day out.
Stop me if you think I’m a liar.
I’m never a liar.
I’m a lot of things, this is true.
So many things, that you’ll never know exactly what I am.

It’s ok.
I like it that way.
Hide behind my shades of green and blue.
Hide over here, behind my lazy left eye.
Worthless piece of shit.

Peace.

Movement

Icy, cold and hard.

An immobile force.

Four feet of solid ice,

to reach movement and life.

A pool of cold tears.

Moving to the surface,

freezing over in a few hours.

History in the making.

Fucking Let Go

Jumping
just to feel alive again.

I don’t know what’s beneath me.
If it’s water, how deep is it?
How sharp are the rocks?
Are the pebbles small and smooth?

What’s more terrifying,
plunging deep into the unknown?
Or jumping directly onto an overhang with no footing?

Fear the fear.
By no means, fear the unknown.
Never fear the pain.

Accept the pain.
Love it.
Drink your own blood for supper
and lick the dirt off your parched skin.

Another Rant

“Tell me what it takes to stop this madness.”

It takes a strong person to fight this back.
It takes an even stronger person,
to let it go.

I want to cry,
I want to feel sad,
I want to let myself be.
Just be.

But I’m a machine,
a monster.
I have trained myself so well
I have successfully learned to detach everything.
Throw the emotions down the drainpipe when necessary,
because “emotions just cause more pain,
more suffering.”

Yet, that’s wrong.

Emotions don’t create pain.
People don’t create pain.
Pain just is.

The feeling that first surfaces,
the thought that bubbles up unto our lips;
To say that is freedom.
To just let ourselves be.
Breathe through it,
and just let it go
is true freedom.

Freedom from self-oppression.
Freedom from isolation,
from ourselves.