Solo

Is it human nature to be unconsolably sad?

Or is this what it means to be, “Depressed”?

To find comfort in vices

Does anyone not have one of those?

Alcohol

Exercise

Manipulation

Diet

Sex

The world is different around those who travel alone

There are more windows of exposure to the soul

Lost deep in thought 

Feelings of disparity and lonliness

The deep, existential, sense of being lost

Waking up and not knowing where you are

Where you ever were

Where you’ll be next

So we find one or two comforts

One or two vices

And we tell ourselves it’s only one or two 

But

It’s never that simple

It’s never so easy

It’s never really any-fucking-thing

Because you can’t make a life

When you don’t have 

A home 

Nah

I’m not mad

Because

That would imply that I care

A Bleak Reality

Why does flying make me feel so much?

Is it the lack of phone access?

So I’m forced to become introspective and solemn

Questioning my choices and feelings

Thinking too much about the wrong people 

And not enough about the right ones

Realizing I have too much love to share 

But I give almost none of it to anyone 

Feeling like my heart might explode from its cage

The cage I have built and layered with extra muscle

That serratus anterior is sure there for me...

These clouds remind me of the ocean 

And I wonder if that too has many layers

Does going through each one cause turbulence?

Everything is suspended here 

The perfection reminding me of how truly flawed I am

Not that I’d want to be anything else

But the reminder brings darkness

A bleak reality awaits me on the ground

Why do I love you? 

Liquid

Weightless

Suspended between reality and...

Jets shooting like rockets 

Through space and time

Through gravity

Through reality and...

Hours of weightlessness

Strung between points A and B

Like floating in salt water

No weight to carry 

Nothing to carry

It was never mine anyway

Weightless

Dusk

Like a mirror in the dark,

Reflecting back that which 

We choose to unsee

In the light.

The shadows of the trees

Play tricks on the mind

The delicate in-between of the world

Haunting and cool 

Each minute looks different 

Each breath, our thoughts change 

And all the while we watch 

Learning to accept what is given 

A gift

A curse 

Every single day 

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

It is only in the dark

That bits and pieces of the self

Feel safe enough to coagulate

And it is only when we break through 

The barriers and safeguards of the light,

Treading deeply into the darkness,

That we are able to find 

Ourself 

Ends

This is my story

I'm free to write 

As I choose

Yet still-

I'm afraid 

Of how

It ends

Alone

I think 

I'm meant

To live this world

Alone

Conquer

Take over the world

By abolishing your fears

Find each one

Analyze it

Then fucking slay it.

Cut off its wings

And behead it where it stands

Walk away from the mess

And move onto the next

This is how you conquer

Your World

Feel

I feel so much

that it paralyzes me 

from speaking 

And then I fear

that those I love

will live without knowing

I loved them 

at all 

And the fear 

of them not knowing

Drowns me

Being

There was a time when

I was afraid of the dark.

So afraid, 

That I refused to leave my bedroom

At night

Because the monsters in the darkness there

I knew. 

Eventually I realized

That being afraid of the dark

Is really 

Just being afraid of the unknown.

And being afraid of the unknown

Means a person is unaccepting

Of change.

And that is simply 

Not who I choose to be. 

Weight

This is not mine to carry

This is not mine to carry

This is not mine to carry

It was never mine at all

You were never mine to carry

So I dropped you

Doubt

Do you ever doubt

The Earth's power?

The exquisite beauty of

Mother Nature?

The calm serenity of

A glassy lake?

Then why, my dear,

Do you doubt

Your own? 

See

Look what happens

When you give the love

You weren't sure existed

The love you thought was lost

Down some dark pool inside you

A glass lake

Doesn't slowly ripple

Rather a boulder falls into its center

A mountain with a moat

The weather patterns change 

And the lake is never calm 

Again

That's what love is

That's what we get when 

We freely give 

Thrive

It only takes one hit

One moment of weakness

A single pill

To spiral down the rabbit hole

Down

          Down

                    Down

Where you don't even know your name

And you don't know what pain is 

And the pain you do feel

Is amplified

Beyond measure

The place where demons thrive

Where nothing will grow

Nothing will live 

Especially not you. 

Of the night

I am a woman of the darkness

In it, I come alive

Waking, moving

My vision sharpens and I become

Electrified 

Yet this world lives in the daylight

and most people are afraid of the dark

They're afraid of what's out there

Of the horrors that happen at night

They fear that which they cannot see

People are afraid of the unknown

And the truth is 

That I am feared 

Because 

I know.

Here I Am

Nothing on the calendar

Nothing checked off the list 

No TV show marathons

No training plans completed 

Yet this Monday feels like 

The first of its kind

Fresh 

New

Learning how to walk again

All scraggly legs

Crumpling on the ground

But getting back up again

Like a newborn fawn 

No physical changes 

Nothing to write home about

Yet here I am...

...writing home

This past weekend was hard

Too much introspection

Depression 

A hook down my esophagus 

Into my stomach

And out my ribcage 

Meditation

Deep, spirally, light-show meditation

No drugs 

No aids 

Nothing

Yet here I am...

....changed 

Skin

There are things they don't tell you 

about the recovery

Things they fail to speak

about the imprints

The mind is a powerful force

blacking out the previous pains

and forgetting even the most 

Innocent of tortures

But the skin...

the skin remembers

It remembers your rough hands

and the bruises left on my throat

The nerve endings never forget

firing pain upon pain

up the synapses to the brain 

that would eventually forget 

And the muscles

never forgot 

how to move

whenever you came near

They always knew to twist and pull

away from your hands

and those legs that could move too fast 

to see what joint

they would connect with first

My mind has forgotten you

has made you into nothing 

but my body will never stop reliving

the pain you caused it. 

Color

Color me bad

Color me good

Color me simply misunderstood

Fill in the lines

Scribble over my face

It's all "art" anyway, in your case

Make today sunny

Make tomorrow gray

Maybe I'll even be a rainbow someday

I've tried on all the colors

All the hues in the crayon box

And no matter how often you try to paint me

I'm still just plain ol' Cassie, in a tee and no socks 

I'm not into the glamour

Or the fake, fancy, stuff 

I want my fingers and toes in the garden 

I don't need to be filled with fluff

Lay me alone in the grass and the mud

Let me drift away at sea

My head is in the clouds

And my soul is finally free 

Paralysis

The struggle is in 

the fact 

that I fight

what I'm meant to be.

The depression & anxiety 

Bloom 

because the fear of 

the in-between

far exceeds 

the pain 

of life less travelled. 

Yet even still

I am paralyzed. 

Buried

I don't know how to ask you 

To not touch me tonight 

When it seems it's all you want to do

But my skin is screaming

With imprints from my past

And every time your skin grazes one

I feel a piece of myself 

Die. 

Abused

There are days 

when I cannot bear the thought

of being touched 

with love. 

Where a gentle touch

hurts. 

When love

burns. 

When kindness is

ugly. 

These are days

I'm reminded of 

the pain

that I loved.

Breaking

I am so used to 

Being the one that's broken

That I don't know if 

I know how to do 

The breaking

Alone

You will never be anyone's. 

Always your own,

Always looking,

and watching

Never waiting. 

Your eyes always move,

and your skin glows with some etheral,

"Stay the fuck away" glow.

But you were someone's once.

Someone whom you loved so hard,

that when you lost her,

she took you with her.

And now you're still hers,

but without her

so you belong 

Alone. 

Overcooked

Too much introspection 

Yet not enough 

Too much brash behavior

Yet that's what they want

Too much anxiety

Too much caring

Too much trying not to care

Too fucking much. 

Why can't I just be a boring person? 

To Blame

I know I'm the one creating the divide. 

I know I'm the one suffering. 

Struggling. 

I doubt myself every single day. 

I wonder if this is the life I truly want to lead. 

When in my heart,

I know that it's not. 

Is the love you have for me,

enough to allow you to change

for me?

Will you give up almost everything,

like I did to be with you?

But then 

what will we have left? 

Not Leaving

I refuse to let you leave just yet

it's too soon, too brutal, too much. 

I now understand why 

they call it "Battling Cancer"

Your body is a war zone,

cuts, and deeper cuts,

scars, and thicker scars,

bruises, and darker bruises

skin grafts. 

...

And then there's the battle we can't see

the raging inferno of hell

imbedded deep within your cells.

I need you to stay,

but how selfish does that make me? 

Tipping Point

At what point

do we decide

to call it quits?

When do the scales 

Shift

and become too heavy

to adjust back?

Who wins?

Who loses?

Who doesn't?

Cages

The city dwellers

Drive to Nature Centers

to see wildlife

In cages. 

Animals they call their,

"Spirit Animal"

In.

Cages.

When the reality is 

that there is nothing 

more beautiful 

than nature in its

Wild habitat. 

Eagles soaring high and free,

Owls hunting prey in the night,

Deer bounding over creeks and streams,

Prairie grasses bowing in the breeze.

The parallels here 

are too juicy to pass up.

Humans in the city 

On display

In cages. 

Illusions

I fear that 

the idea of You

is better than

the real You 

And

the idea of Me

is worse than 

the reality I live

But

the idea of

You and Me

is simply

Tragic. 

Silence

Because sometimes

There need be no reason

Often times 

There is nothing

Learning 

How to handle the silence

Is the hardest part 

Exquisite

I want to feel 

Your skin

Gliding into 

My skin 

Immature

My shit

has been

put together

for so long

that I fear

I have hit

the point

of unravel 

too early 

for my

Time. 

Lies.

I'm drowning my sorrows

with phony pretention

and 20% off bottles of wine.

I'm hiding my fear

in sarcasm,

diversion, 

and dirty humor. 

I'm running away from the pain

that I refuse to acknowledge,

because to do so 

would be admitting

that I was wrong 

to begin. 

Quitter

When the going gets tough,

I get going. 

Fragmented

It's not real. 

None of it. 

Nothing. 

Everything. 

The swirling images 

Chaotic thoughts 

The birage of confusion 

I can't keep the imaginary

From bleeding into

Reality. 

Some of the Times

I wonder sometimes

Often

Constantly 

My mind plays trick with the light

With the shadows

With the air in my lungs 

Sometimes 

It all just feels like I'm tumbling

Down 

Down

Down

The rabbit hole

And sometimes

It feels like I'm flying high 

In a tiny Cessna

The ground below- perfect

Most times though...

Most times I look at my feet

And see that they're firmly rooted to the Earth

There are always shoes on my feet,

(the biggest problem with modern society)

So I imagine that I have X-Ray vision

I start to wiggle my toes

My mind plays more tricks

To convince me of the dirt between my toes

And just like that

Reality snaps back into place

And the day moves forward 

With its constant gravity. 

Extrapolated

I don't know

Up from down

Is it my head

or my ass 

in the gound? 

Not only do I not know

Black from white,

but I see green instead. 

Stress induced creativity? 

Or is this plain insanity?

Selfish

Everyday

I get ready 

I workout

I get ready again

I go to work 

At work I laugh. 

I feel productive. 

I feel like the bullshit I'm doing

Matters 

I go home

I cook dinner

I relax

I don't worry about tomorrow

Everyday 

You wonder if you'll live through it

You hope that your kids won't find you

if you don't

You pray today will be the day 

That they say, "Cancer Free"

You go to endless doctor appointments

You grin and bear the pain 

The biopsy's 

The tests

The enless fucking waiting 

You tell me of your struggles

The ones I'll never understand

Everyday

I am selfish. 

Change

Some people panic about

the drastic changes in the weather

Going from freezing cold to blisteringly hot in a day

A tornado one day, a snowstorm the next

But I live for this shit. 

The exultation in the change

The energy in the air

The smell of the wind

The change in the sound of my footsteps

The shift in the wildlife

And the movement in the trees

This is my lifeforce

The change in the wind.

Perspective

The trail may look more narrow

When you bring your hand to your brow line,

and squint your eyes to see. 

The tree line looks more dense

The birds tiny flecks in the sky

The pebbles a sea of sand

When life is far away,

the end so unclear. 

Nothing defined or cut in stone,

and not what it seems from far away.

The only way to see it clearly

is to continue to hike the journey. 

One foot in front of the other,

make space for the dips and inclines underfoot,

allow the body and mind to adapt,

and just keep going. 

The Other

when I'm here

I wonder

what you would be like

under these circumstances

I wonder

how you would respond

I wonder 

what you would say

think 

do 

feel

I wonder

how my body would respond 

to yours

I wonder

if I'll ever get the chance

to stop wondering 

I bite

I bite

Scratch

Claw 

Tear

I am not sweet

Gentle

Passive

Meek

I am a fiesty bitch

And I will rip your heart out. 

Lost

I've lost my way. 

But I can't seem to give trust

to anyone that can help 

guide me home. 

Countdown

In today's world everything counts. 

How many coffees?

Miles

Calories

Minutes

People

Steps

Partners

Obligations

Measurements

Is there anything that doesn't have a number?

Everything that keeps us in the cyclical pattern of

insanity

is a number. 

That which really matters?

Well there is no way to associate that 

with just a number. 

A friend dying is not just a number. 

The people you love aren't a number. 

How something makes you feel cannot be counted. 

Sunsets cannot be counted (but they are numbered). 

If only time wasn't a number,

maybe then we would have more of it. 

Melodrama

Life is so cyclical.

Waxing and waning, 

crescents and fulls.

I can see my own bullshit,

written within these constructs.

Rinse. 

Cycle. 

Repeat. 

I tear through men like a Mexican over the USA border.

I love them all, truly I do...

But never enough to give away my independence. 

Never enough to say goodbye to my freedom. 

Never enough to give them children and a wife. 

The reality isn't that they aren't good enough for me,

rather that they are too good for me. 

My mind is a fucking cess pool,

no one can enter it and live. 

My heart is ravaged and shredded,

the arteries are too clogged to pump out love.

My body has been too torn apart and abused,

to ever accept another's love and touch. 

I take these men,

these truly good men,

and I rip them apart. 

I make them just like me.

Little bitty dolls that feel and act just like I do. 

It's a disease. 

A virus. 

A monster. 

I am the virus. 

I will reside in your spine,

and infect your mind. 

There is no vaccination,

no cure,

no treatment plan.

Doctor's orders are to run the fuck away,

and never look back. 

Divide

There is a divide

Between us

I don't know how hard 

I should try 

Because I'm too used to

Raising the white flag

Picking up the pieces

Of my heart

And moving on

Leaving the dust in the air

To settle 

With you

Darkness

loving another 

means witnessing their

darkness 

and loving 

even

their flaws. 

but what if 

loving another 

only means 

their light 

shines so brightly 

upon your darkness

that it illuminates

how filthy 

you really are?

Inspire

I watched you drag

Your life through the coals,

and your soul through the mud. 

I watched you target

Those happiest around you,

to see if they would crumble too. 

I watched you shoot 

Each joyful thought,

in its face. 

I watched you give up

When everyone around you,

kept up the pace. 

I watched you try to inspire

Fear. Hatred. Loathing. Anger. 

I watched you fail. 

Ugly

I am not pretty, beautiful, or clean.

I am all rough edges and battered limbs.

I am shredded heart sleeves,

And torn ligaments. 

I am bruised. 

I am broken. 

I am made of scar tissue,

And duct-taped parts,

To keep me whole. 

I am covered in battle scars on my skin,

In my brain,

And on my heart. 

My wings have been broken,

Mended,

And broken again. 

My feet are tattered and shredded,

Beyond recognition. 

My mind is an actual war zone

Complete with 

Battles,

Trenches, and

Endless infernos. 

But I am made of skin and pretty garments. 

Of shiny hair and contoured makeup. 

Of manicured nails,

And sparkly jewelry. 

All of this ugly

Is wrapped up tight

And under control. 

I am every woman you see on the street.

I am the pretty one. 

The ugly one. 

The homeless one. 

The drunk one. 

The sober one. 

The slut. 

The barista. 

The housekeeper. 

The retail worker. 

The stay at home mom. 

The corporate executive. 

I am every woman, and

We are at war. 

Trip

It's hard to be good

When you're numb. 

Thinking of others is tricky,

When you can't even remember you exist. 

Falling down the dark pit,

Only takes one slip. 

Unraveling

An observer of the world

Watching just to see

How it will unfold

Because it's easier 

Than watching 

My own life

Unravel