Fourteen deaths

I am a betrayer,
the worst thing a person can ever be.

I traded you for the stars,
cheated on you with death itself,
the devil can be so cunning.

But you’re beautiful.

So full of life,
something I lost with my innocence
at the ripe age of 14.

Death. Destruction. Hatred. Anguish.
All I’ve ever known,
and all I seem to know how to do.

On a molecular level it’s exactly what I continue.

I kill.
I sneak.
I hunt my prey.

Tag!

You’re It.

Diamonds are deadly when broken

My crown is so heavy it hurts
Queen of the damned,
Goddess of the forsaken
Devils advocate, my title.

I play my roles so well,
You’ll never know what’s beneath.

My shield is slipping,
I want it to die.

Cold-hearted,
Loving and caring,
Logical and emotional.

I am many things in this world,
and your friend is not one of them.

Pretty Little Angel Eyes

I’m never sure if that’s you I see

but I talk to you anyway,

since you’re the only one I want it to be.

You shimmer on top of the water in the sun,

your smile radiates like it once did,

and I’m convinced you’re with me once more.

You only seem to visit me at opportune times,

more likely those are the only times I look for you.

It’s so hard to remind myself that you’ll be gone forever,

hard to see the truth that I can never have you back,

will never again dance with you.

I see you over and over in my head,

in the rain and the wind,

it makes it impossible to forget you.

I promise you I’ll never stop repeating our inside jokes.

They don’t know what I’m referring to,

but I can feel a piece of you there whenever I do.

You don’t really ever leave me.

You’re always there.

The sun just reflects your beautiful face for me to see.

The dew in the sky shimmers off your spirit,

and I breathe happy again.

Heaven's on fire

Each day, a new fire

and the waters all burned dry.

Death and destruction enfold eternity

beyond death, everything lies.

It’s not God or angels,

not Nirvana or purgatory,

nor is it demons and devils.

The question is not

what will we become after death?

The question is,

what will we be with this life?

Uncertainty knows no bounds.

Encapsulate it,

hold tight to it,

let it turn to dust in the ashes,

and fly away into the wind.

Accept the future,

the uncertainty.

Let it fuel you,

move and inspire you.

Without it, we are stagnant,

indifferent,

and there is nothing.

I am not afraid to die.

Building Blocks

I am stronger than you know,

more than you’ll ever realize.

Its embedded into my bones,

my build, my structure.

Things you don’t know about me,

they glow and shine in the moonlight,

my comfort, my guide.

You know a certain side of me,

but a person like me has a multitude of sides,

so many more than I care to even bother counting.

I utilize them in times of need.

I am a master at blending into the background,

a chameleon, if ever one truly existed.

You’ll never see me for me,

because I’ll never let you.

Axis

The world spins,
Just as science claims.
The earth's axis the most solid core imaginable.

The sky blends its paints into clouds,
Storms and tribulations dotted throughout.

Mmm how the ocean tastes . . .
The salt on the tip of your tongue
Is like acid coated candy.
She washes over you like a blanket
And wipes the slate of your mind clean.

Brushing against your skin,
Tasting every breath
Each emotion sucked down,
How delicious life can taste.

Life in shambles
But the earth still spins
Axis cracked, it splits
And you don't even notice.
Tilt your head back and move, and twist, and thrash
Grasp every last ounce of life that remains
As you release the last of yours into hers.

Ahh but no one will ever know your little secret.

Billionaire

So you sat there and smiled,

The light glinting off your smoke-stained teeth.

You ran your white-coated tongue along your lips

And you told me your thoughts.

Desires. Fantasies. Utter temptation.

Things that would make a girl blush,

If it weren’t for your disgusting hygiene.

Things that would make a girls eyes sparkle with glee,

If it weren’t for your yellow tinted eyes.

The shiver of compulsion ran through me,

and all the political correct bullshit this world has given,

swam through my veins, behind my eyes.

What will you do to me?

What will become of me?

And how much do I care?

Fuck it.

You’re an absolute menace.

The most disgusting thing I’ve ever laid eyes on

You know you’re rotted on the inside.

Yet, I’ll only continue to smile in your face

while I put gasoline in your syringe.

Doe Eyed

Moon called

I run through the trees in no clearing

no clearing.

Water pulled in an unnatural direction,

Called. Beckoned. Sung.

Eyes change from comprehensive to...other.

A moon called zombie.

Running, run, run,

Through no clearing

Through no clearing.

Branch whipped,

burr soaked,

bitten.

Run home!

Something calling, something telling,

whispering,

danger.

Run home.

Trip, stumble, scrape, fall.

The moon is still calling,

but the danger speaks to run.

I’m not ready to face her yet.

I’m not ready for this madness.

This insanity that pulls on the corners of the mind,

That pulls through no clearing.

no clearing.

El Dolor

I wish I could say I made a mistake.
If only I could apologize and make it all go away,
to calm and soothe your aches.

But the only one that aches is me.

A part of me so deep
I don’t even know how to release it.
I feel stuck in a medieval torture chamber,
sexual pleasure mixed with complete mind-numbing pain.

The ache in me longs to scream,
completely fucking wreak havoc,
but my mind stops me.
The fear of losing control,
of losing everything,
too much to allow hold of the reins.

The fact is I have no idea what the fuck I’ve gotten into.

I have no fucking clue where the next step lies,
I don’t even know if there’s a path.
The beauty is that, so deep,
in line with this horrid ache,
I don’t think I care.

I’m ready to let go.

The only mistake I’ve made
is in hurting you.
A hurt you don’t even know,
one you’ll never forgive me for.
That’s the ache I feel deep within my chest
and behind my eyes.
An ache I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for,
and one I know you can never ever feel.

I’ll hold onto it for you forever.
Just like I’ll hold you forever,
even if you don’t realize I’m there.

fake love songs

Count the numbers out

tick, tick, tock on your tiny little...

Run and run and run away

far from reality

far from comprehension

(your time is running out)

Cover these songs,

because thinking of originals

is another thought beyond comprehension.

Just another cover.

Another scam,

keep your fans,

they're just skin and bones,

soulless creatures craving love.

Just like the rest of us.

Lovely Bones

Bones for you

and bones for me,

we're munching on the dead,

you see!

Take it to the limit,

and feel the crunch of the dried marrow

between your teeth.

I could grow to love you.

Winona

Hiding in the willow trees
that's where you'll find the huddling mess
"weeping with the willows,
it's worth the waste and the wuthering wisteria"

Winona was a funny girl,
always talking in riddles
and playing with old rotten dolls.
She claimed she saw only in blues, whites and violets,
the color of the flowering wisteria.

They said when she ran away,
that there was no use trying to find her.
They said no one could ever find her,
even though we all knew where she lie.

Under willow tree we found her,
rotted and decomposed.

Her tattered clothes and old dolls askew
along with her small old suitcase,
full of her favorite knick-knacks and toys.

Winona was nothing if not detailed.

exacto-knife

Tears stream down my eyebrows
the start of a new beginning
There is nothing that can replace the pain from the past
Nothing can banish it
except death itself
(and even then, I’m not so convinced)

Steps.
Measured distances between legs,
mute, decrease and supplement

Far too late,
it’s a part of me now.

Learning to understand and accept it,
once it’s done, it just is.
And then it’s no longer pain,
it’s simply an extension of the body and mind.

It becomes so much that to take it away
would simply hurt 15 times more than it did from the start.

Tears and sweat
just another expression.
I choose sweat over tears
it’s what motivates me to live and breath

What inspires you to live?

Lighter fluid and kindling

Synapses open fire

it’s a civil war!

There are to be no wounded to remain,

it’s death or life.

Anything but is treason,

pure and simple.

No torture.
No questions.
Only assumptions,
judgments,
and straight protocol.

Never love thy enemy.
Never fear.
Simply destroy.

Why waste time asking
when all it begets is bullshit?
Why give pity,
when all it confirms is weakness?

The dead were simply too weak for the living.
We want only soldiers,
mind numb and gun at the ready.

No questions asked.
No excuses.
No treason.
No love.

Mercy on me,
my synapses have faltered
all that remains
is hatred.
Boiling my blood,
lighting fire to my body.

And the day begins anew.

Poison

Deformed bones

molding to your teeth

Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw.

Marrow stained gums

I will kill you even after death,

when my bones turn to poison

and slowly suffocate you.

I’ll pour down your throat,

tearing it apart as I go.

The next breath you take will be tortured

slow, raspy . . . dead.

I will eat away your stomach lining,

so anything you drink to soothe the pain

will only make it burn that much more.

Infiltrate your liver, your kidneys

and from there

you die.

Still living on after you die.

After I die.

Your body will melt into the earth,

where I’ll infiltrate into its depths.

I am an incurable poison.

Speak no evil

Blood lashings enfold the crevices of my mind
Your tongue makes a mighty fine whip

Delicately structure
Exquisitely designed
so smooth…so perfect…like a newborn.
Mouths collide, as two worlds often do
The stars unleashing their intoxicating gasses.
How could two people do this to each other?

Ahh but who would know,
if we never told.

Labeling a demon only makes it a demon with a name

People categorize me as a runner.
But they don’t know what I’m running from.

People say they only run if someone is chasing them.
That they can never find the motivation,
unless life reaches out and bitch-slaps it across their foreheads.

Going down the road on my two feet,
watching the faces of my fellow runners.
What are they running from?

Demons, and more demons.
Haunting. Teasing. Taunting.
They can be fun too.

Is there anyone who doesn’t admit to having at least one?
Does labeling a demon make it go away?

Ask the next person you see running down the road,
ask them what they’re running from.
They’ll laugh at you, murmur something about enjoying the run
but that’s bullshit.

They’ll run off smiling,
later the forehead bitchslapping will come.

So what am I running from?

Thrive

So softly it starts

A dabble of the fingertips
dirt body paint
moving, flowing saturating.

Wind burn is the only acceptable form

Experience is pertinent.
Sitting at home and waiting to die,
unacceptable.

Free flowing limbs
Softly moving with the trees

Survive
with an un-survivable twist.

Beautifully Brutal

You feel so far away

your bones shifting

under my skin.

Caressing

so rough

so archaic

Brutally Beautiful

The lack of words carves a hole into my heart

Spraying. Splaying.

Devouring.

Tastefully decadent.

I've lost myself in you,

the horror of it seeps into my pores

Do I even like me?

Do you even like you?

Your washed out views are reflected in my eyes

The lack of care

lack of all things living.

I am the only lively piece that remains

One by one we remove your stones

into recessed lighting,

into the freshly stained cabinets.

Our hands as sandpaper

tongues as paint brushes

blood of stain.

We're too old to be doing this,

how decadently brutal.

Candor

I went for a run.

Every anguished thought,

tormenting each pavement placement.

Heels, slamming into the deceit

toes curling into the ground, and pushing it off

into nothing.

Obliterated.

I refuse to let you drag me down,

I reject the notion of your two-faced lies.

You can't make me into something I'm not

I may be in your head, but I know the truth.
You are nothing but a screaming child.

What's done is done.

Emotions placed, felt, and over.

So thankful for having them in the first place,

so gracious for compassion.

It's what makes me who I am.

Hatred

Vertigo.

Waves.

Crashing.

Blanket.

Black.

Plywood.

Brick.

Fabric.

Fear.

Loathing.

Anger.

Loathing and Heartache

Do you ever get a wave of memories
so hard
that it literally steals the breath out of your lungs?
It's like a stone cold fist,
in and up into your ribcage
under your lungs
with a close-fisted grip on your heart.

Did I make the wrong choice?
Will the decision I made screw everything up?
Do I want the easy way back?

As much as I can say to myself,
"Nothing worth having in life is easy"
sometimes the void plagues me,
it swallows me up into its trenches.

I miss the easy smiles and laughs.
I miss being goofy before bedtime.
I miss coming home and feeling completely at ease.
I miss our random weekend trips.
Life was so much fun with you.
Life was carefree.

I don't miss the stress.
Fretting over money.
Did you drink too much?
Did you actually quit smoking, or are you just hiding it?
Will I come home from a 14-hour day and have to clean up after you?
Did you turn the oven off?
Will you ever do the dishes?

The thing I love about you the most
is the exact thing I loathe.