El Dolor

I wish I could say I made a mistake.
If only I could apologize and make it all go away,
to calm and soothe your aches.

But the only one that aches is me.

A part of me so deep
I don’t even know how to release it.
I feel stuck in a medieval torture chamber,
sexual pleasure mixed with complete mind-numbing pain.

The ache in me longs to scream,
completely fucking wreak havoc,
but my mind stops me.
The fear of losing control,
of losing everything,
too much to allow hold of the reins.

The fact is I have no idea what the fuck I’ve gotten into.

I have no fucking clue where the next step lies,
I don’t even know if there’s a path.
The beauty is that, so deep,
in line with this horrid ache,
I don’t think I care.

I’m ready to let go.

The only mistake I’ve made
is in hurting you.
A hurt you don’t even know,
one you’ll never forgive me for.
That’s the ache I feel deep within my chest
and behind my eyes.
An ache I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for,
and one I know you can never ever feel.

I’ll hold onto it for you forever.
Just like I’ll hold you forever,
even if you don’t realize I’m there.