Colorblind

Grey figures encapsulate
Shrouding and shirking

Color left a bitter taste on your tongue

Hooded shapes stare
Stay with us a little while
Keep in the grey

Mud through everyday filth
Find yourself on the bottom

There will always be but one color
She'll forever stain your heart
and enchant your mind

Brainwash oneself to shades of gloom
Wash away the memories of good and bad
of things gone wrong, days just right

Blossoms of color bloom
and die.

My own love

How in the world do I make this OK?

How am I to fix this,

more importantly,

is it my responsibility to do so?

Heavens knows I'm a classic martyr

taking on the worlds troubles and pains,

making them my own,

until they're better. 

And then they fly away from me,

healed and moved on with life.

When do I choose to heal myself?

I think it's time I find my own healer

my own martyr

my own love. 

written: 10/20/12

Falsehood

Why am I so shocked right now?

I've heard it all before. 

Seen it all go down.

But I've never felt it myself.

I thought I had,

I really did.

People coming to me for advice

and me doling it out

like it's penny candy.

Apparently I amaze myself 

with my own bullshit too.

In my defense,

I didn't realize it was bullshit.

Makes me wonder how much more I really don't know.

because right now

I'm thinking the more I think I know,

the less I actually do

and in reality

I don't know shit. 

Right?

I know,

at the depth of my stomach,

that you're there waiting for me.

But I don't know how to wade through the shit

to find you. 

I'm pretty sure it's you.

I'll never forget the moment

time stood absolutely still.

Then I went and fucked it all up.

....

Now we're in this mess,

and too busy distracting ourselves from reality

to sit down and face it. 

It's such a classic cliche

kinda makes you sick,

right?

Right.

written: 10/20/12 

A Life Worth Having

Vacation's over.
The flight over the pacific washes over
Rolling waves, crashes down, down down...
The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach,
slowly returns.

It's like digging your way to sunshine
A gopher releasing its head,
only to burrow back underground for home,
before you can catch him.

But the more the years pass,
the closer standard days become to vacation days
Blurring the lines,
and fading everything black to gray,
white to gray.

Yet today, it's back into the negative,
into the daily battle of positivity.
Life may not be sunshine and rainbows
but I certainly try my hardest to get it there.

What is the purpose of living in strife?
We all have to live on this earth,
All have to go through the same daily struggles,
the same life changing moments.

The ones that leave pock marks on our skin,
and the ones that leave scars too deep to see.
We do the best with what we have.

It gets easier, this positivity,
but its never automatic.
It's never just given.

Nothing worth having ever is.

For You

Because everything changes.

Not even the sun and the sky can stay the same forever.

Like stones in the river,

ever turning and ever changing. 

Rest assured, in your brilliant mind,

that everything happens in exactly the way it's supposed to.

Hold tight to that belief,

even if you don't believe it. 

Follow the flow of the river, as it curves and bends,

and washes clean all things wrong,

gaining more speed and intensity as it flows. 

Nice to Know You

What are my options?

To bury myself so deep into you,

that I can no longer see the way out?

Or to run?

I'm tired of losing myself in everyone else.

Tired of adapting for every person,

and sick of turning over and over,

like a ratty engine. 

Yet, running is getting old.

It's starting to tear me apart,

my body is wearing down.

My mind, already worn.

Life lesson, ahoy! 

Time to break out the pens and pencils, 

sit up straight,

and pay close attention.

Tell Me

This kind of deep-seated exhaustion

can't even be found in the movies.

Authors cannot write it sufficiently,

musicians can't sing it soft enough. 

Tell me to keep fighting.

Someday, I hope to return the favor.

Tell me to see the light,

somewhere down beyond.

Watch it morph into various shapes,

until it turns into a beast.

I want something to fight for.

I don't seem to be good enough. 

Fix Me

I carry many burdens in this world
yours, yours, yours...yours.
So many I shove my own deep below,
like an Ostrich in the sand.
Buried so deep I almost forget
they still exist.

Everyone has a trigger for their issues,
whatever they may be.
Call a previous anorexic fat,
and the downward spiral begins anew.
I'm not even sure what mine are anymore,
but something has triggered.
I feel like a small child,
huddling in the corner with my blankie,
wide eyes to stop the tears.

I don't know how to fix this.
I can't fix this.

Fractured

I've passed the point of no return.

You've gotten under my skin,

and now it's begun. 

Hairline fractures erupt

across the finely constructed shell

I've woven for so many years.

I'm not ready.

I think I'm not ready.

Will I ever be?

I only know this life.

Only know the world through these eyes.

But you've given me new ones with which to see,

I don't know if I should thank you

or slap you.

Ah, but the love I have for you

encapsulates all fury

and turns it into new construction.

So, from this fractured shell...

Thank you.

I meant to dock

Fix the fucking dock
It's just floating in the water,
Half in.
Half out.

The water laps about its sides,
tiny liquid flames.

Scream for me,
sing for me,
Softly.
Violently.

Exquisite.

Blurt

Say whats on my mind
it fills the empty silence

Blink, blink, blink away the thoughts

move onward and away from the tightrope.

Mmm, that rope is tight.

Pull the strings and push the limits

grind it into the daily mix,

chore away into a new tune

Rhythm, movement and song

Dance to the beat of the tribal forest instruments.

What do you feel when the music stops?

The exquisite loudness of the melody,

silent.

Tightropes stretching,

pulling back into a grimace

Blurt it out.

Flip Flops

I had my heart in your shoes

it squished between your toes,

keeping them warm.

When it got cold outside,

you put wool socks on

and scratched my heart

with your good intentions.

I fear the summer

when the shoes come off

and the bare feet shuffle about.

You'll no longer hold me.

Will you move me to a safe location

on the higher road?

Will you toss me in the shrubbery,

to rot with the shells of watermelon

The Statue

I hid there in my shadow,

moving to the right, to the left,

shifting a knee or an elbow

to get just the right form in the light.

You only see my shadow.

I made my shadow such perfection,

that I forgot to look in the mirror.

The sun cast its rays upon me for so long

that I no longer felt the burn.

The sting of the rain pouring into my wounds,

was the closest to comfort I ever knew.

No wonder you only see my shadow.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You’ll wake up to look at my shadow,

and it will be gone.

Don't fuck me in front of you

My mind was laid open by your lashings.
I try to pick up the pieces from the floor,
but they’re so hard to see.

There’s one there in the corner
I’m afraid to touch it, what image does it contain?
I’d like for several of these to rot in the corners.

Life started with blood and pain,
why should this ever change?
Until the day we die,
we’re infested with them.

I thought I repressed these memories sufficiently
(that’s what the shrink likes to say),
but one sight of that today
and they beat the shit out of me.

But I’m tougher than I appear,
and I can fight like a windstorm.
I’ll be back before you even knew I was gone.