Exhaustion

When the physical symptoms of

Depression 

Supersede the emotional symptoms of 

Depression 

I have to force myself to go deeper

To improve my emotional game

So that the two conflicting sides

Can somehow meet in the middle 

But right now I’ll feign sleep because

I’m exhausted. 

Gone

The weight of grief

Diminishes with each death

But the weight of guilt

Supersedes 

Glass

I poured

You in like

Broken glass

And watched

You shatter

Like you were

Not broken 

From

The start

Disassociate

They fail to mention 

Disassociation

How it makes black patches

In your memory

And how the only way to retrieve 

A memory

Is through a flashback

Triggered by 

Bad touch

Not ok

I am not ok. 

I am not ok and I am admitting it. 

I am not ok but don’t know who or how to ask for help. 

I am not ok but I’m not drowning my grief in alcohol or drugs, I’m facing it. 

I am not ok and I recognize the other unhealthy patterns that I’m clinging to in order to survive. 

Because I will survive. 

I will survive and this will be a memory. 

A memory of a time I overcame adversity. 

A memory of a time that forced me into being stronger. 

I am not ok. 

But I will be. 

Leaf

I watch as a leaf slowly floats down 

From atop the highest branch

It dances and sways to the beat of the breeze

So peaceful and content

I watch as a leaf slowly floats through

The gaping hole in my chest

Through what was once my heart

From a time when I didn’t have to force it to beat

I watch as a leaf slowly floats away

Dancing and swaying to the breeze

As if nothing ever happened

As it if never went through the war zone

That is my soul. 

Dying

At times

I wonder

If the body ages

Because of

The weight of the mind

Because of 

The sorrows of the heart

And maybe 

Aging

Is really difficult 

Because

Our traumas build

And build

Until one day 

Our house of trauma

Comes blissfully 

Tumbling down

And

We die. 

Fear

I know what it feels like

To suffocate almost to death

I know what it feels like

To be unsure of your next breath

I know what it sounds like

When your lungs won’t hold air

I know what it sounds like 

When someone only pretends to care

I know what it looks like 

When your eyelids blink for too long

I know what it looks like

When your shallow skin just looks wrong

I know what it tastes like

When every cough produces blood

I know what it tastes like

When all your food seems like mud

I know what all of these things are like

Because I almost died from them at one time

And if I can prevent one life from feeling this way

Then I’ll stay home and be just fine

Alive

My teeth are numb

So I listen to the rain

Hit

Hit

Hit

The window instead

My eyes can’t focus 

So I focus on the breath coming

In

In 

In

My nostrils

My stomach expands

And I hone in on the basics

Of what i means to 

Be alive. 

Comfort

There’s comfort in that

No one really knows me

But there’s discomfort in that

No one really understands me

There’s contentment in that

I don’t let anyone in 

But there’s resentment in that

I’m always hiding 

I have so many secrets

Most of them are stupid

But they’re still mine

And only children don’t share 

Float

Swimming in the ocean

Watching the fish float in the coral

A wave rolls through and 

Carries them to the next coral

They don’t mind

They don’t even notice

They simply move with the water

Trusting that their next meal 

Will come with ease

Useless

I kept myself to myself

Because I thought 

Those pieces of me were not useful

That they would get me nowhere

So therefore, they needn’t be shared.

But year after year 

Of boarding up my own windows

Of hyper-analyzing myself

Of judging every particle

To see if I’m useful to the world

Is not only exhausting

It’s fucking stupid.

The very entrapment I made 

To determine usefulness

Is useless

Choke

I came up for air for a few moments

Enough time to think it was safe to breathe 

Where seconds felt like days

So I took a huge inhale 

Only to have life shove my head back under

And the second half of my inhale

Was me choking on salt water 

Again. 

Believe

I believe in the power to heal ourselves

In the power of belief

That our very atoms house that power

It vibrates with intensity

And we just give it away.

We swallow it down with pills and booze

And we vaporize it with smoke 

We watch it dissipate in the sun 

And we don’t even care that it’s gone

Because we’ve lost the belief

That it ever existed in the first place

(right)

Drifting through these corridors

(they’re too large to be hallways)

And wishing I could turn invisible

(and invincible)

So that I wouldn’t have to speak

Wouldn’t have to come up

With more bullshit words

Words that don’t match the images

My mind creates

(or conjures)

Sometimes it feels like these walls

Are the illusion

(yet symbolic)

And I wonder why I waste so much time

Wandering through non-reality 

And how successful this world has become

At making us think the reality in our minds

Is wrong

(it’s right) 

Blip

I wondered

And wondered

And wondered

Where you went

Why you went blip

Blip

Blip

Silent

On the radar

But nothing I could think

Seemed good enough to say 

Because I have no answers

I have no solutions

And that’s an uncomfortable place

For anyone to be 

Attachment

Tired of always wondering

What it’s all for

What it all means

Why we do what we do

Not everything has to have meaning

Not everything has an attachment

And I’m tired

My mind is frayed

My heart is exhausted

My soul is tattered

Because life isn’t made

To constantly question 

But rather to float seamlessly

From port to port

Beer in hand

Coffee

I stuff myself into the cup of coffee

Neat and tidy and bitter

Sloshing over the edge

And between my lips. 

I swirl around myself

Like a little vacuum

Slurping up all the 

Indecently exposed pieces.

As the day goes on,

The bitterness fades

Leaving behind a shell 

In its wake.

And I’m left with just me again.

Dangerous. 

Sensitive. 

Fed up.

I’m left recalling every moment of the day 

(I forget nothing)

Deciding if I should care about it or not. 

But I’m too tired to care

Too tired to wonder

Too tired to sleep. 

And tomorrow morning 

I will shove myself once again 

Into that tidy coffee mug

And drink up 

My own bullshit. 

They know

If only

They knew

The thoughts

That run rampant

At 2am

When I haven’t yet

Fallen asleep.

If only 

They knew

How deep

Their words

Gouge. 

If only

They knew 

How scary 

It is 

To feel 

This alone

This often. 

If only

They knew 

That I think

Something might

Be wrong 

With me. 

Emerge

For all emergencies call 911

For all emergencies call 911

For all emergencies call 911

For all emergence call 

For all emergence call

....

To emerge from hell call

Call out your name

Call out my name

Just fucking call 

And yell and scream and cry

And buck the weight off your shoulders

Because it’s not yours to carry alone

It never was even yours at all 

So call 

And I will carry it for you 

So that you may rest. 

Nothing

My heart is not broken

it's not really anything.

My soul is not crushed

it's just observing. 

And all the while my mind

watches and waits for a sign

or anything at all to trigger it,

but there's nothing. 

For the first time in my existence

"Nothing" feels right

Nothing feels good

Nothing feels like a home

Nothing means 

I'm Healing

Blackhole

Just like that

The universe expanded and swallowed me whole

into your blackhole.

And we spun, and danced, and laughed

We thought we were the universe

but Blackholes end and destroy

and we were left in its wake,

with little pieces of us missing and displaced

And now we're here.

Not speaking.

Not writing.

Not anything.

And it's a little bit confusing

but only by comparison

Because you can't compare Earth to a Blackhole

and our feet never did touch the ground.

Whisper

Because our voices get saturated

With the opinions of others

They push their propaganda 

Down our throats

Into our eyes

And through the ear canals

Straight into our brains,

Where our whispers

Cannot be heard.

Our cries for help and love and tenderness

Are stomped and crushed

And we’re left hemorrhaging out

Blood pouring from our ears

Out our eyes, down our faces

Choking on it in our throats.

All this pain is a distraction

From the whisper-soft voice,

The one the tells us right from wrong

The one that guides us down our destined path

The one we never fucking listen to 

Anymore 

“It is easy to know who you are when you’re building a character; it is harder to find out who you are without inventing it.” ~Charlotte Eriksson

Runaway

What changed is

That you realized 

I caught you in your lies

But instead of admitting

To yourself, to me

You runaway again 

To another time,

Another place,

Hoping that 

She doesn’t catch you too 

But she will

Because 

You can’t run from

Yourself