Solitude

So often I am alone

That my time is spent

Feeling through different parts of my body

The 4th rib on my right side

The slight scrape of stubble on my calf

My left earlobe bent against my skull.

I close my eyes 

And allow the discomfort to settle in 

Allow it to penetrate beneath the surface of my thoughts

Below the initial feeling of wanting to adjust

Deep into the actual body of my being

What’s there is unimpressive yet

Magnificently immense 

And I often wonder

If most people ever reach it

Because most people can’t handle being alone

Can’t handle silence 

Can’t sit in stillness and discomfort

I know this because 

I still am most people

Some of the time

And really,

I am a product of my environment 

I just refuse

To clutter the opportunity 

With distraction. 

Imbalance

What if

Instead of trying to fix me

Instead of trying to runaway

I accepted what is 

Accepted what I am 

Accepted the two halves

Of darkness and light

Even knowing that 

They’ll never be 

Balanced

Rational

I’m done trying

To rationalize

And I’m done with

Making sense of the nonsensical

Because

I’m tired of being

The one everyone relies on

The one who actually thinks

The one who knows the answer

(Even if I often never share it) 

And all this rationalizing

Only forces me 

To stop feeling

Silence

It is in the small moments of silence

That the conscious and subconscious

Seamlessly merge.

I enjoy harboring the secret

The feeling of fullness

Of being One without another.

It’s a place that is both indescribable

And unimaginable,

Although many have tried to write it. 

It feels like I should be getting 

A pen and paper

Yet when I do,

Nothing comes.

In these moments,

I want nothing

I want no one

I need nothing

I need no one

Yet I am completely whole. 

The beauty of it all is that

These moments happen frequently now

All because I allowed them to

All because I allow

Silence. 

I

I

Don’t know

What

To think

Other than

I’m tired

Of starting

Poems

With the word

I

Eyes

There are a million eyes

From a thousand different angles

Staring at me

Judging me

Telling me I’m wrong.

Fragments of a face

I can’t quite recognize

In the shattered reflective glass.

But if I slow down

And focus for long enough 

I realize that those eyes

Are my own. 

Everyday

If I close my eyes

Without focus, without thought 

The images assault my eyelids

Everyday a new repressed memory

A new piece of the puzzle

To analyze and assess.

It’s exhausting. 

It’s daunting. 

It’s thankless. 

But it fucking works 

And once that piece is complete,

Its edges smoothed and ready,

The feeling of placing it back inside of me

Is indescribable. 

Everyday I become more whole again 

Everyday I take back the pieces of me you stole

Everyday I wake up and I remember

That I never thought I would be alive today

Yet here 

I am. 

Lie

You 

Know

What

You 

Did 

Yet

You

Live 

Your

Lie

As

If

It’s

The

Truth

Scrub

Your blood under my fingernails

Scrub

Scrub 

Scrub

It won’t come out 

So I’ll just contemplate

Cutting my fingers off.

But the time goes by

And the sticky feeling subsides

And I miss it

Because

I miss you 

And you’re locked away,

Healing

So to make it feel real

I’ll force it upon myself.

The blade is dull

And it hurts that much more

But I will keep digging

And digging 

Until that feeling 

Washes over me

And I’m scrubbing my fingernails

All over again 

Remembering 

You

Slippery When Wet

I have always been an escape artist

A slippery eel

Just when I convince you that you have me

I become like liquid

And slip through your fingers 

Gone before you ever realized I began to descend

But I don’t want this anymore

I need to remove myself from the water

So my scales can harden

And someone can hold me loosely in their grip

But be warned

Forcing me never ends well

I am nothing if not cunning

And you can’t trick 

The one who always loses 

A Wish

I might not be dead inside

Anymore

But sometimes 

I wish I still was

Take it

Each death took a piece of my soul

The toll to cross the river into the Underworld

But you took the last one.

I remember the feeling like it was yesterday

I stared at my phone for so long

Emotions bubbled and frothed,

Always beneath the surface.

I pulled up old videos of you,

Just to hear your accented voice.

I looked at pictures of you

Of us, of your kids

Your kids

I grew up so jaded,

I never knew what a parent could be to a child 

You taught me, you taught them

And then you were torn from them. 

From us. 

I felt my soul shut down

Your kids no longer have a mom

I felt it turn cold and hard

Your 2 oldest have no parents at all

I felt it leave me for good

You are gone,

But if it means you get a ticket to heaven

You can take what’s left of my tattered & chewed soul

Take it and fly away 

Spread your love and compassion,

It’s the only way my soul will do any good anyway 

Birthdays

Remember the time

When you were so busy

Flitting and rushing

To plan the most perfect party

For your son’s 12th birthday?

You told me it was because

You were afraid

It would be the last one

You could ever attend.

6 months later

You followed your prediction

To the grave